Alcohol Math (an excerpt)

I would suggest that Darren + 3(bubbly) = Brad + 1.5(bubbly), or the other way around... Brad + 1.5(bubbly) = Darren + 3(bubbly).

We can reduce the equation to be: Brad - Darren = 1.5 (bubbly) or...
(Brad - Darren) / Bubbly = 1.5

I call this value the "Brad Darren Bubbly Constant" which we represent by 'c'. If we assume that Brad is a variable 'b', and Darren is a constant 'd', and assuming the amount of bubbly is variable, 'x', we can write:
(b-d) / x = c

or more appropriately:
b = cx + d

which turns out to be the equation of a line (if you recall from high school, the equation for a line is y = mx + b where m is equal to slope.)

We can therefore graph how drunk Brad will be able to get at Clarence's party. (It's a straight line, not an exponential line as some of us may have first thought...) If we wished to graph how drunk I will get, we assume Brad (b) is the constant, and Darren (d) is the variable and we thus have:
d = cx - b

Interestingly, both equations have positive slopes...the lines are the same, they merely start at different points on the Cartesian Plane.

We could go a step further and determine the rate of Brad's drunkenness by taking the derivative of Brad's equation. Assuming b = f(x) we can write:
f(x) = cx + d

and the derivative would be:
df/dx = c

Ahoy! We get the "Brad Darren Bubbly Constant". However, if we take the derivative of Darren's equation, we get the same result! Assuming d = f(x) we can write:
f(x) = cx - b

and the derivative would be:
df/dx = c

Ahoy! The "Brad Darren Bubbly Constant" again!

This means that Brad and I will get drunk at the same rate, which is equal to the "Brad Darren Bubbly Constant". In the end, I have thus proven that Brad and I may get needlessly drunk at Clarence's birthday party.

QED.

Darren